I think every queen deserves to readjust her crown once in a while. To take a much-needed break of ruling her kingdom, her empire, even her own damn self. Sometimes we need a chance to take off the many crowns we wear and just go into hiding to regroup.
Last December I had big dreams of doing ALL.OF.THE.THINGS come January. I was going to get myself, my house, my family obligations, my work, my blog and my social schedule exploding with success. I need to take a breather just looking at all of that. Lofty goals and especially when I could feel myself not particularly HAPPY or MOTIVATED. Has that ever happened to you? You know you should be doing all of the things but have no ambition to do anything.
Call it the January Blues, Seasonal Affective Disorder, laziness or straight up depression with side of pity–they all suck and they have affected me more times than not–but I always wore my crown and held my head high and kept running my kingdom. Queens have a bad habit of putting the needs of many before the needs of themselves.
The Temporary De-Throning
I tried. I tried to do all of the things but because I had to not because I wanted to. It takes a real broken mama to say I can’t keep doing things THIS WAY. What started as a small break slowly spiderwebbed its way into every crevice of my life. It reached its tiny threads and consumed everything in its path. I broke.
I am lucky that I have a support system that is not just within the walls of my house but also near and far. My mother-in-law stepped in where I was not able to. She cooked, took care of my kids, she even did the groceries on days when I forgot we had absolutely no fresh food or milk. Instead of letting my kingdom fall apart she carried it on her back until I could/would come back. She is the Queen B***h but in the best way possible–all heart and soul.
I vegged on the couch. I binged Netflix like a monster. I cooked elaborate family meals one day but also took the kids to McDonald’s more times in this past month than I have in years. I talked to girlfriends on the other side of Canada way past my bedtime. We decided to sell our house on a Friday only to change our minds on a Sunday. I got a $14 dollar haircut at a barber shop that I actually love. I logged into my blog to write only to X the tab because I was not feeling it. I was not feeling any of it. No joy at all.
And then finally there was a break. The flood gates broke and I started to cry. Sob. Bawl. Wail. Whimper. Behind closed doors and in front of my family. My friends picked up on it and my husband begged me to get my shit together. My girlfriend threatened to show up at my doorstep and kick my ass. I needed this to happen to cleanse my soul. I needed to let the sadness pour from my body for as long as it took before there was room for joy to make its way back in. The spider web of sadness had to be washed away.
Reclaiming the Throne
It’s the little things that are making a big difference right now. Unpacking the boxes I hastily threw together when I thought we were going to move finds little notes from my kids that say “I love you” and snail mail from girlfriends letting me know that I got this. It’s taking out all of the things I carefully packed away because I thought they were too pretty to display and surrounding myself with them. It is finding the joy. It is accepting the joy back into my empty spaces. It is so much relief and a new blog logo that oozes pretty and feminine and happy spring blooms.
It is the carefully placed crown placed back on this queen’s head so that she can continue to run her kingdom, her empire, and her own damn self.