How To Deal With A Loved One’s Dementia Diagnosis

As years pass, one constant is that we all have at least one prevailing fear about what we may one day hear while sat in front of a doctor. For years it has been a cancer diagnosis, and there is still to this day a shiver that runs up every spine when the word is spoken. However, increasingly – against a backdrop of ever-more successful cancer treatments – for some people, the fear has shifted towards another heavy-hitting diagnosis: dementia.

In many ways, the possibility of a dementia diagnosis is not borne as much by the person being diagnosed as by those close to them. Depending on how advanced the case is, the diagnosis may mean little to the person suffering with the condition. It is, however, something that we fear for the people we love and also hope never to experience ourselves. It is important to understand what will change in your life, and how it may change, if someone we love is diagnosed with dementia.

Dementia is a very broad diagnosis: Get all the details you can

The truth of the matter is that dementia in and of itself is not a specific medical condition: it is a collection of symptoms primarily distinguished by diminished mental faculties, usually in older people. The illness itself may be Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s Disease, or any of a number of conditions that lead to dementia as they progress. How the dementia itself progresses will be affected by the primary diagnosis, and by other factors. On hearing of a loved one’s diagnosis, it is difficult to think of anything but the hammer blow that has just been delivered, but essential to get information on your loved one’s prognosis and what can be done for them.

Find out what you can do for them

Dementia affects different people in different ways, and can progress dizzyingly fast or with glacial slowness. One thing that is guaranteed, though, is that it will immediately remove some of the independence your loved one has been used to. This is hard for some patients to accept, so you will need to be strong and stable for them; in the early stages they’ll still be a lot like their old selves. This is a key time to have conversations with them, talking about options like home health care so that they can be in familiar surroundings, something which is all the more important at this time. Talk to them about how you want to protect the things they love to do for as long as possible, and rally other loved ones around.

Develop a thick skin

It is never easy to deal with the changes dementia causes in a loved one. Especially if it is a parent, someone who you have come to see as being steady and dependable. The signs of that image falling away are among the hardest things anyone can witness in a loved one. They may begin to speak more harshly with you; they’re frustrated by what is happening to them and by not being able to stop it. You need to be ready to remain calm and try to find ways to redirect their attention. This is a process of trial and error and of course it’s upsetting for you – but it’s not you they’re angry at and it’s important to not argue back.

Be prepared for good days and bad days

Although dementia is a progressive issue and the earlier days will be less fraught than later ones, it’s not something that progresses in an arrow-straight line. Some days your loved one will seem as though they have lost most of themselves. The next they may appear almost completely unaffected. It is essential to not treat each bad day as the beginning of a spiral, and equally not to let your hopes be raised too high by the experience of a good day or even a cluster of them. They won’t suddenly be cured, but it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the good times and take the opportunity to let them know how much they mean to you.

Be hopeful, but not naive

In some patients, dementia progresses quickly and the end comes soon. In others, they can live for several years – there is no certainty that they will even undergo a dramatic decline before their time comes for an unconnected reason. It is worth being hopeful: some (very rare) causes of dementia can be reversed or stopped, and while quality of life is present it is always worth preserving. In all of this, it is important to remember that at some stage you will need to let go. Don’t take a slow progression as confirmation that everything can continue as normal indefinitely. That will only ever make things tougher. Aim to make life as comfortable and enjoyable as possible for as long as possible, and you’ll have nothing to regret.